Indulge your Self.

What I Learned - Mercury Retrograde

I have been very lost these past few weeks. My emotions have been rampant and dangerously extreme. My mind has been full of static and frustration and restlessness. I’ve been confused and stressed and anxious and insecure, and I’ve felt incredibly small and weak. I have abandoned my self-love and replaced it with dissatisfaction and intolerance, and as a result, I’ve failed to genuinely love others without the condition of their affection to replace the love I wouldn’t grant myself, and when I felt that anyone perceived me as I perceived myself, I would shut down and feel useless, vacant, unlovable, unwanted, and inferior. 

But your view of yourself is going to project into the Universe, and other people never fail to mirror this in the way they react to you. When I, personally, feel confident and optimistic and self-satisfied, people seem to treat me with more respect, appreciation, and positivity. When I feel negatively about myself, people often react to me with a cold demeanor, a detached tolerance, and I get the nagging suspicion that everything I do will annoy them, so I try to make myself smaller and smaller until I am completely silent and withdrawn. Unfortunately, this just makes me feel blocked, guarded and invisible. 

A couple nights ago, I wrote a very self-destructive mantra to shut down my heart chakra. It was the process of my mind trying to eliminate my ability to feel, to build a wall, and lock my heart in a tower. Last night, I had a dream that I was in my home and found another floor below my house and discovered that there were several extra rooms. I was thrilled, but then I noticed that the ceiling was leaking, and within little time, I watched as the patch grew and grew until the section collapsed in on me and the additional rooms were mostly destroyed. Tonight, my friend did a tarot card reading for me. My past card expressed the significant, deliberate emotional blockages. But my future card was none other than the Tower. I was horrified at first. Now, I recognize the pattern. I locked my heart in a tower; I actually envisioned my heart chakra closing up. Then I dreamt that this foundation below my house was collapsing in on itself. And then I am faced with the Tower card. The recurring themes are this feeling of isolation associated with the tower, and the necessary destruction of this same structure. 

To avoid making this too lengthy, here is a simplified list of what I have learned during this recent period of reflection: 

  1. Don’t focus on the past, especially what you feel has been “lost.” Don’t try to force old feelings or thoughts by reusing original triggers, but also try not to force yourself to move forward. If you feel stagnant, simply accept it, understand that it is temporary, and allow it to run its course. I felt very stuck recently and tried to bring back positive feelings by playing certain songs that used to make me feel excited or happy, but instead, they only made me feel worse and that I had lost something very valuable. To compensate, I tried pushing myself to find and create new things, but it was so forced that I couldn’t move past my own restlessness and dissatisfaction, and I ended up feeling completely helpless. Don’t force anything. If you don’t feel comfortable doing something, don’t do it. If that means you need time for yourself or you need more sleep or even a nostalgic comfort, indulge in that, and don’t try to feel anything other than what comes naturally. Everything is a cycle.
  2. Pay attention to recurring themes and symbols. There are no coincidences. Everything you experience is customized to help you evolve spiritually. Try to notice these signals, and when you do, react! Do whatever introspection, research, meditation, or exercise necessary to confront this subject and thoroughly address it. Otherwise, it will only come back more aggressively in the future, and could be much harder to overcome.
  3. COMMUNICATE. If you don’t want to do something, just say so. If you don’t feel right about anything, admit it. If you feel out of sync with someone, just express the feeling and then either let them work through it with you, or give yourself any necessary space to recover. Don’t make yourself sound smaller or let yourself feel inferior for anything you feel. You are valuable and your voice is valid. If someone does not respect you enough to accept your differences or weaknesses, release them. 
  4. Don’t feel obligated to do anything with the intention of satisfying someone else. Don’t try to be more interesting or clever or witty just to gain or keep someone’s admiration. You are valuable and worthy of love and respect in every stage of your life, even when you feel that you are not progressing. If you change a habit or adopt a hobby, do it because you feel personally inspired - not to please someone else. 
  5. Just don’t force anything. Nature does not have to strain to be anything. Trees do not stress and gruel in an effort to grow - they just do. It doesn’t require any fretting on their part, because nature is already programmed to evolve and grow without a forced effort. Just be, and the Universe will guide you in its own perfect timing and process.

So in summary, don’t force anything, don’t fight your intuition, and just be honest and candid. 

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